Listening to sad piano ballads by Banks about boys breaking our hearts and our creativity drowning as a result of such heartbreak. What else is new? Not that I am suffering from any such heartbreak in real life. I just like to feel the pangs of hurt when I listen to songs about it. Breaking up hurts so bad it almost feels better than good. Or at least that’s how it feels like when you hear it in the form of a song. Getting sad sometimes makes us feel better, doesn’t it? It’s a strange concept, but it’s true. And even in my past real life relationships, this concept applied. I always made sure to never let things get to good too fast, or even have the chance to reach its full potential at all, for surely that would only lead to me being disappointed far too quickly. And why allow oneself the potential to be disappointed when one could make the decision to not even come close to it at all. A man I once dated told me that I was smart for deciding to take things slow in the beginning because it ensured that my heart would be protected. What he said was almost like a warning of the damage to come (which it did come finally), but like I said . . . I was warned. And ever since then, it really stuck with me. In all honesty, that was exactly what I was doing . . . protecting my heart in every way. Because no matter how fun, no matter how casual, no matter how spur of the moment a romantic spin can be, any glimpse or flicker or sparkle of something good can easily dim just as fast. Even as soon as that first kiss.
High hopes but with little to be received. This is how one can describe my NYC dating life in the not so long ago past. Not to sound like a pessimist, but it was hard to find reason to gain back trust in an idea of a person after time and time again of fails. The former pessimist that I was knew what it was like to be let down, and so going forth went into many relationships with the low expectation of being let down in the near horizon. So expecting not so much out of relationships was a normal thing. Yes, my dating life was a brutally sad Banks piano ballad on repeat. No reason for such things today I always remind myself, but even sometimes I find myself falling back into old habits of worrying, scared of facing an unknown future and the possibility of losing something before even knowing the tangibility what it could grow to become. Issues that only my best of friends can talk me out of . . . to get me off of my high string and let things go back to flowing naturally and happily. How they should be. Though a lot of times it feels really hard to. But just a few months ago something seemed to switch, and I came to learn that all you have to do is really TRUST, even if it feels like trusting is playing a game of make believe. But really, if you think about it, so many good things can be made real from make believe. And patience. Patience is really an amazing act. I’m going to keep this at the back of my mind the next time I get anxious about falling for someone who deep down I know that I deserve to be falling for. And vice versa. I’ll keep listening to those sad Banks songs about a heartbreak as long as I know that those songs really aren’t for me. An imaginary heartbreak can be the perfect cure to whisk away all the real life worries.
Now something that lifts my mood up tenfolds . . . this maxi dress, beanie and sandals combination. I love transitional weather, because anything goes! Beanies by Rella are my autumn/winter staple 🙂 xx
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