Here I am, going backwards in time towards an evening in Palm Springs. The sunset was approaching in the distance of a long and straight road. Palm trees in every direction. The yellow of my blouse and the gold leather of my boots, both at the same time challenging the sunset in a competition of who shines the most. I think it eventually broke even. And I just ran away into the desert sunset. And that was my last evening in Palm Springs. A one that involved “chasing golden.” But really the golden stayed with me the entire time, right there on my feet. My still, I continue to chase. That’s how I like to feel about the desert. It’s where you can be alone with the sun. It’s not loneliness, it’s being content with being alone.
Today is Mother’s Day, and how I wish I could be with my mom right now. So, so much. These past few months, after sometime at home and then coming back to NYC, I’ve been missing the simplicity of life in California far too much. It’s been sort of hard to explain where this feeling came from. A sort of need to escape to somewhere familiar. I find myself calling my parents more often when I find myself with free time. But not only that, I carve more time out of my day specifically for these sort of things. Before I used to think I was too busy to be in touch as often, but now I feel a deep need for this daily connection of words, especially from my mom. Growing up isn’t easy, and I appreciate all the more now what she has taught me since I was a naughty little kid always trying to go against her rules. What I look up to the most in a mother, and especially my mother, is the act of selflessness. It’s something I’ve been working really hard on lately to commit myself to. No matter what, no matter how much trouble I made, no matter my ideas or thoughts, no matter where I was in the world, my mother was always there for me. And I know she always will be. It’s the safest feeling in the world to know these things. Sometimes I feel I don’t do that great of a job showing her how I feel, and how much I love her, but I remind myself more often now to make the time to tell her every single day how much she means to me. Her acts of selflessness when it comes to my father and my sister and I are truly amazing. And I want to learn from her, so I can be an amazing mother someday, too. So I can have that raw feeling of loving someone else so much that I would do anything and everything for them. I think I’m almost there. I’m getting better. I’m becoming more mature. Yes, I have my faults, but I know that they exist and I try to work on them every day. For now, I’m going to start with patience, which is the foundation of the love. I’ll always wait for what is good and promising. And when sometimes something is testing my patience, instead of running out the door, I’ll sit and take a breather and see how I can work it out. My mother had a whole lot of patience with me growing up. She probably deserved more time off than she should. But she stuck around for me through and through. And look where I’m at ma, because of you 🙂 Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you all are catching golden with those you love today.
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