New Year’s Feelings

December 31, 2017


Kurt Lyle coat
DVF purse and top
Karen Walker pants
By Far shoes
Sonix sunglasses

Photos by Gabriel Honzik

The end of a year. For me, it’s always a bittersweet feeling that runs to the core of my bones. I’m a deeply nostalgic person and have been one my entire life. Nostalgia drives me almost in a way. Good feelings that I am able to replay in my mind to feel them over and over again. Even the sad ones I like to replay because they were that impactful. They make me think how I would do things in the future if I were in the same situations. Not a regretful sort of thinking. Just a contemplative type. A curious type. Looking back on things while at the same time inching towards the future every second, is a  way to explore myself. To notice things about myself and get to know them more and more as time goes on. To fine tune things so I can be a better person. It’s a hard thing. Change is hard, even the littlest ones.

What I found out the most about myself is how much I am always in search for a deep meaning in the things that I do. I’m emotional and sensitive natured at heart, so for me, the deeper meaning is always something I need. I feel lacking if it is not there, and it’s challenging for me when it’s something I can’t find. Substance is something I find comfort in. It drives me just as much as nostalgia does. Even a picture that I post on Instagram in the midst of a busy work day feels so personal to me. I am very aware of the fact that it is a part of me that I share with you all to favor or critique. But what really matters to me is the feeling it gives me, myself and I. Because that is why I started this blog in the first place. And that’s how it will always be. Knowing that you guys connect with what I share here is just the extra icing on the cake. I am thankful for you all who leave feedback and let me know that you leave this page feeling inspired. You all solidify my decision to keep running my site, despite the downfalls that sometimes comes with a life where social media plays a huge factor. Keeping the balance is the hardest thing I’ve found to keep, and it is still my goal to find that balance in the new year. 

Balance. The word of the moment for me. Love. Another word that holds a lifetime of meaning to me. Two things I want to hold onto dearly in this new year. This past year had its many challenges, many of which came with the territory of running one’s own business, working closely with a sibling and the self management of keeping in a sane in a world where it seems like the numbers game is the only standing game. It’s frustrating, but once I get past that, it feels worth it once again. It always does. It’s easy to get too caught up with the world we create online. The lines between reality and the reality of our creative visions blur, and that’s when things can get iffy. The most important thing I want to focus on in 2018 is keeping this line more divided. To find balance with what I create for my social media channels that challenges my creativity personally, but to also find time to focus on the things I love that I do not usually share with you all . . . like my creative writing, my love for music and film, the enjoyment I get out of spending time with my boyfriend while having no plan at all, the day dreams that clear my head. These are the the things that I keep to myself . . . all for myself. It’s important to keep certain things just for oneself. Other things are meant to be shared. This balance is important and is something I want to perfect more in the new year. 

And now on to love. How much I LOVE this word. It goes along with so much with what I do. The pictures I take. The strings of words that I make. The family and friends I surround myself with. The man I have decided to call mine. Love is easy but it is also hard at the same time. I’m grateful I get to do the things I love for a living, but at the same time I know that love can get lost when it starts to feel too much like work. That’s when I need to keep myself in check to maintain that love. Because that love is the root of it all. My work cannot survive without it. I found that I keep hold of my love the most when I’m working by letting go of the control freak that can sometimes sneak out of me. 2018 will be the year I spend less time over contemplating, over analyzing, trying to be perfect, and trying to please anyone else more than myself. I want to feel more free, more creative, more bold. In our line of work, so many speak of strategy. But strategy for what? To gain engagement, to grow followers, to gain likes, etc., etc. How about this upcoming year, I decide to throw strategy out the door. Because one fact is that there is no one strategy that can buy happiness. Or love. These things come more easily when they are obtained more naturally. Naturally, like the way I fell in love with my boyfriend. He taught me a lot about being ok with myself, even the things that I used to see as flaws. He reminds me of the meaning of my first tattoo during the times that I forgot. Imperfection is beauty. That sort of self love is the only kind I want to have in 2018. 

What about you? Happy New Year’s lovelies! Try free writing out your thoughts and feelings about this past year. Even if you hate writing, or feel like you are terrible at it. There are many days where I feel both. But I foudn that it will shed so much light on what is to come in the new year. 

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